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The Male Anatomy and Lovely Quilts

29 Jan

There are many things a self-respecting man would never do in his life. In fact, you could probably write a whole textbook on the subject. To borrow from the great Neil Patrick Harris, it would be called the Bro Code. As you would expect, it would be filled with funny and downright immature little quips mainly based on the three major things men care the most about. That’s right, a whole book based on nothing more than women (mainly just their body parts and what can be done with them), food, and sports. Based on a conversation I had with the wifey the other night, I am convinced we may need another section to this so-called manual. From this point on, we shall add the “I Would Rather Pull Out My Own Pubes” chapter to the good book. Yes, you read that correctly. Things so undeservedly asinine you would rather take a fist full of your own black and curlies and give a violent tug. Case in point? A full-grown man should never utter the words “Just spent a wonderful 4 day weekend with the wife at a quilting convention”. Sure, we are all guilty of doing our husbandly duties. In most cases, you just smile, suck it up, and hope for a lavish reward in the end. The aforementioned scenario would have probably left my poor wife a young divorcee with two kids and a mortgage. Sorry, but the only way I would ever consider attending such an atrocious, cult like herding of middle-aged women sporting mock turtlenecks, mom jeans, and cat cardigans would be if I had my own booth filled will nothing but quilts in the shape of penises, monster trucks, and inspirational messages like “Rock Out With Your Cock Out”. I am pretty sure I would sell out of all the manly paraphernalia in about an hour. Actually, I am convinced of this. Anyway, I will leave you with this thought for today. Something for you to ponder and lose sleep over. Until the next time, I will be barefoot in the kitchen, washing dishes and baking pies. Why? Because my wife told me to.

Now Let the Music Play, Sinners.

2 Oct


Well, it’s Friday morning and my brain is officially fried. In all actuality, I have nothing of substance left to offer you or society today. So, I am going to make things easy on all of our squirrel sized cerebellums. Today folks, we are going to concentrate on what makes us all happy. Something that we all want, need, and crave. I am not talking about shopping, chocolate, or an exquisite burrito from Chipotle. No, no, that would be too easy. I am talking about something much deeper. Something that is imprinted deep, deep down in our DNA. Something so very crucial and vital, our whole species depends on it. Yes folks, I am talking about the need, the want, the desire to make sexy time. In fact, I am going to make it easier for you to go out this weekend and find yourself some action. No, I am not going to buy any prostitutes. I am way too broke for that. We are in a recession remember? Today people, I am going to go above and beyond. Behold, the Mixtape! Yes, that’s right. The single most effective way to get your virginal self laid down upon a bed a roses. You don’t even have to do any of the work like we used to have to do back in the day. No holding down the pause button on your boombox until the next song came on the radio. No holding one boombox up to another to record something because you were too broke to get one of those fancy dual cassette tape decks. After many, many years of research, (and by research I mean me sitting in a dark room by myself with nothing but a radio and my tears) I have compiled a master list. Now, go out and use this list for some goody, goody and some sweet, sweet evil.  I mean, we owe it to humanity, right?

1) Let’s Get it On- Marvin Gaye

2) Glycerine- Bush

3) All I Wanna Do- Jamie Lidell

4) Nobody- Keith Sweat

5) Turn Me On- Norah Jones

6)It Seems Like You’re Ready- R.Kelly

7) Possession- Sarah McLaughlin

8) No One- Alicia Keys

9) That’s the Way Love Goes- Janet Jackson

10) Closer- Nine Inch Nails

11) That’s What It’s Made For- Usher

12) Before I Let You Go- Blackstreet

13) Red Light Special- TLC

14) Wicked Game- Chris Isaak

15) Sexual Healing- Marvin Gaye

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