What My Dreams Have Become

14 Jun

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach the moment your body jerks awake from a bad daydream?

You know what I am talking about.

The kind of daydream you would only experience right smack dab in the middle of fourth period your sophomore year in high school.

The kind of dream that jolts you so hard, each and every appendage flails about as if you suddenly were the recipient of some archaic form of electroshock therapy.

The kind of dream that instantly makes your blood pressure skyrocket and your control of normal bodily functions all but cease to exist.

The kind of dream that combines all your greatest fears into one, mimicking and cloning all your secret worst case scenarios you haven’t told one single soul about on this earth.

As secret as these scenarios might be to the outside world, to your brain, they aren’t a secret at all. Not even a little bit. See, your brain knows you. And it knows you well. It has the ability to prey and feed on all your worst fears and insecurities no matter how laughable or valid they might be. Around each corner lurks another threat drummed up by your mind to taunt and horrify you. Finally, your body’s natural self-preservation mechanisms kick in and you find yourself the subject of ridicule and jokes by your friends for being that kid that fell asleep so hard in algebra, he actually slobbered all over his desk and screamed like a little girl as his brain finally allowed him to come to his senses.

As embarrassing as that sounds, that’s what is supposed to happen. Deep down, your body shuts off that threat your mind concocted and hands you back, for better or for worse, over to reality. But what happens if you never fully wake up? What if your mind still wreaks havoc on your soul although you are actually awake? Or even worse, what if what you thought was actually just one repetitiously brutal and terrifying dream was, in reality, nothing but your only known normalcy?

For the past year and half, I have been living in this nightmarish state of mind. Each and every single one of my fears and insecurities have been laid out for my brain to fiddle and fondle with unabashed recklessness. You see, my mind knows me. Over the years, it has grown, evolved, and even invented new and interesting ways to tease and shame. My brain, without a doubt, will always be at the finish line waiting for me to chug along and catch up. No matter how clever I think I may be, I will never be able to outwit it. I’ll never be able to out run it.

So, with each and every day my head lifts off of my pillow as the sun rises in the sky, I will myself to wake up. I will myself to stop dreaming. I do everything within my power to shout, fight, scratch, and overcome. But alas, there’s no use. Because this is not a dream. This is my life. And I have all but given up looking for the alarm clock.

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12 Responses to “What My Dreams Have Become”

  1. michonmichon June 14, 2011 at 8:31 am #

    Don’t give up looking for that alarm clock. You have a bunch of us out here pulling for you!

  2. twobusy June 14, 2011 at 9:01 am #

    Wish I knew something helpful to say here.

    This is awful.

  3. Minka June 14, 2011 at 9:21 am #

    I am really with you on this. Though my particular brand of fucked-up isn’t quite as poetically nightmarish as yours, I have recently waded through some dark shit that has the gravitational pull of a black hole. Sometimes every day seems like a struggle to pull myself out and just as I get most of the way back onto solid ground, I slide back in. Sometimes I only get an arm or a leg out, or just enough of an eyeball to see the daylight, and sometimes…. sometimes i really do climb back out into the world of the living. But that swampy marsh that is my anxiety and dysfunction (but which is also what makes me who I am, and if I were some totally happy, sunny, flowers and unicorns person, I probably would hate myself) is always close by, ready to suck me in if a stumble. It follows me around and I am always, ALWAYS, aware of it.

    I hope you’re finding some help to get you through this. When I’m really in a dark place, sometimes it feels futile to even try to get through it, sometimes I don’t even WANT to try and get through it, because that could lead to hope… which in turn could lead to disappointment.

    But y’know, you’re still here among the living. So you may as well fight. There’s some good shit out there, you just need to decide you want it bad enough, then pursue it by whatever means necessary. If that means taking meds, so be it. If that means therapy, give it a shot. If that means talking to a friend or blogging night and day until you’ve exorcised the demons… we’re here to read.

    It’s your brain… ultimately, you will find a way to gain the upper hand over yourself. But it won’t be easy. Quitting, however, is easy. Don’t do it.

    • TJ June 14, 2011 at 1:07 pm #

      Wow. Thank you for this comment. I really, really appreciate it.

      • Minka June 14, 2011 at 2:42 pm #

        You’re extremely welcome. We at the dark side must stick together :) If you want to experience my desperate plunge into the blogiverse, feel free to check this out: http://tinyurl.com/3gul2uo And if not, no biggie. I won’t be offended. Not trying to self-promote, just trying to show you you’re in good-but-damaged company :)

  4. flutter June 14, 2011 at 9:39 am #

    Someday you’ll see the inherent things you have worth fighting for

  5. Tiff June 14, 2011 at 10:12 am #

    Hang in there Teej, you’re a hell of a lot stronger than you know.

  6. JTW June 14, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

    if you’ve tried everything else BUT giving up looking for the alarm clock, perhaps that’s the place to start – sounds like a natural progression in the process of elimination.

    what if everything that has happened has occurred to destroy “you” just so that you’d awaken to a new reality – one in which you don’t need an alarm clock after all?

    xo

  7. Betsy June 14, 2011 at 8:48 pm #

    T-
    Sad to hear that you have been feeling this way for so long. I really hope things start to improve for you.

    Betsy

  8. Frelle June 15, 2011 at 6:19 am #

    Thinking of you, and sending endurance to get through the worst of the internal torment, pain, fear, and what seems like endless darkness. I’m so glad you write, and better, that you hit publish, when you speak so transparently about the reality of your struggle.

    • TJ June 15, 2011 at 7:38 am #

      And thank you so much for reading.

  9. The Holmes June 21, 2011 at 10:23 am #

    Damn, dude. I’m sorry. I wish I could be of more help than just leaving a stupid comment. Thinking of you, my friend, and wishing the best for you.

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