The Envy of Toes

31 Mar

With each and every step, I feel the cold concrete seep through the rubber soles of my weathered Converse. My toes, numb from winter’s last ditch effort to retard spring’s progress, seem to mock the rest of my body. My limbs and core can still feel the pain, the cold from the years that have passed. But not my toes. They are lucky. They have been deadened. They no longer have to suffer. They no longer have to feel.

Weaving, maneuvering these crowded streets, my eyes glance up with hopes of discovering a friendly face, a smile or two to concentrate on. But these hopes, these internal wishes are quickly dashed. No smiles, no winks, no simple “hellos”.

Not today at least.

And that’s when it hit me. In a city of nearly 9 million people, I am completely alone.

I can see people’s faces. I can hear their voices. I can even feel their laughter reverberate through me as they joke amongst their friends at the table next to me. But I just sit and observe like I am window shopping for things I cannot afford.

As I curl up to this bar and ask the bartender for another drink, I glance down at my feet that swing beneath me from atop of my perch of this old wooden barstool. My toes, still numb, do not care that they are alone. They do not care because they do not feel a thing.

In this very moment, I envy them. You see, my toes are lucky. I wish I could have what they have. I covet their virtual paralysis.

And As I finish this next drink, I hope the rest of my body will catch up. I want to feel numb. I want to feel nothing but the cold.

Because today, I am jealous of my toes. They do not feel alone. They just do not care. And for once, just for today, I want to feel the same.

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9 Responses to “The Envy of Toes”

  1. Frelle March 31, 2011 at 12:28 pm #

    You’re boldly and authentically writing the raw. Glad you are giving it voice. Thinking of you.

  2. andygirl March 31, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    you’re never really alone. the Internet loves you too. and loves how beautiful your writing is. loves you down to your toes.

    I love being alone sometimes. alone in a crowd, observing, no one knowing I’m like a spy and they’re my fodder for art or writing. I watch them all. (I might be a little insane). or I love being alone at home, with a good book, a spring breeze, and a pot of tea. maybe because my childhood was so bombarded that I was never alone, now I take comfort in solitude.

    take this time alone to meet yourself. you’ll find so much.

  3. Jules March 31, 2011 at 1:48 pm #

    Your writing always moves me. Keep writing. It will help.

  4. flutter March 31, 2011 at 2:44 pm #

    Numbness hurts like a bitch when the warmth sets in and things start to thaw.

    The only way out is through.

    • Sunny March 31, 2011 at 3:46 pm #

      You are so talented. Great imagery. But the drinking under the influence of depression..oh dear. That worries me a little. Take care of yourself. Things will get better.

  5. Naked Girl in a Dress April 1, 2011 at 8:08 am #

    You are an incredibly talented writer. I love to stop by to read your latest.

    Thank you for sharing such raw feelings. You are not just talented as a writer, but brave as well.

  6. nic @mybottlesup April 3, 2011 at 2:18 pm #

    wow. this is achingly beautiful.

  7. Stacey April 6, 2011 at 11:48 am #

    Beautifully written.

    • TJ April 6, 2011 at 11:49 am #

      Thank you!

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