One Week

21 Mar

One week.

That’s how long it’s been since the first pill hit my bloodstream.

One week.

That’s how long it’s been since my body slouched and conformed to that comfy leather couch in that dimly lit room filled with books and inspirational messages.

One week.

It’s been one week since I admitted I was broken. Just one measly week.

But in my mind, the way I think, it’s been “ONE DAMNED WEEK ALREADY! WHY AREN’T YOU FEELING BETTER YOU WEAK MOTHERFUCKER?”

My mind has been racing, running like a postal worker trying to escape the clutches of a rabid dog. Like the mailman, my mind just wants to deliver the mail and get on with its life. But there is something waiting, lurking. Something standing in the way. Something more scary than gnarled teeth and a foaming mouth. Something more terrifying than deep growl and a vicious bark. Something so limiting, imprisoning, and so very encompassing it sucks the very air out of my lungs before I can even breathe it in.

That something is me.

As much as I hate to admit it, I am the one standing in the way. At the very core, it’s me who is responsible for my own happiness. I have to be willing and able to accept the help. I need to ditch the skepticism, the rolling eyes, the doubtful thoughts.

I need to open my mind.

And that folks, will be the hardest thing for me. I have to dig deep. I have to unlock doors and open windows that have been shut, sealed, and locked for years and years.

So, as I sit here a few hours away from my next therapy appointment, I realize that I, myself, hold the key. I just have to figure out where I left the keychain in the first place.

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12 Responses to “One Week”

  1. Dysfunction Junction March 21, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    It’ll come. That feeling of, “ok…it’s not perfect, but it’s getting there.”

    You won’t really notice it at first, but one day (and not as far away as you think) you’ll look around and realize you DO actually feel better.

    I promise. I know.

  2. Frelle March 21, 2011 at 10:07 am #

    You are very brave and very strong. thank you for pouring your heart out again. Will be thinking of you as you gear up for and go to your appointment, and that your adjusting to the medication continues to go smoothly.

    • TJ March 21, 2011 at 10:12 am #

      As always, thank you for your kind words and support, Frelle.

  3. Sarah Lena March 21, 2011 at 3:33 pm #

    This will sound stupid, but I didn’t leave a comment on your last post because you already had an overwhelming response.

    It will take time. As a Lexapro graduate — and there IS a graduation, by the way — it takes time to take effect. It will take time. And when it does take effect, you will be so grateful for your patience. And you will see all of the time that you have in front of you now, and how you can really, truly live in it.

    Hang tight, brother.

  4. flutter March 21, 2011 at 4:39 pm #

    I am proud of you

  5. Jules March 21, 2011 at 5:22 pm #

    Every day is another step forward. Even if it is a tiny one.

  6. nic @mybottlesup March 21, 2011 at 7:36 pm #

    oh man, i relate to this in crazy ways.

    recently having gone back on meds myself, it was just 3 weeks ago (after i had been back on for 3 week) that my husband hugged me one evening and said, “it’s nice to have you back.”

    hang tough.

  7. Sunny March 21, 2011 at 7:44 pm #

    Depression is such a thieving asshole. But your willingness to seek treatment and your ability to articulate your thoughts already puts you at an advantage at reclaiming your spark. It sucks and its really difficult at times, but it will get better. Even though one week in, it doesn’t necessarily feel like it.

  8. andygirl March 21, 2011 at 11:13 pm #

    you can do it. you can. here’s this for ya: therapy and healing aren’t for the faint of heart. they’re hard work and time and effort. and that is something I know you can do.

  9. eviesweet March 23, 2011 at 7:25 am #

    I just read your post, and WOW, it’s almost identical to the post I blogged called “Bandit” last night! We are definitely in a similar boat right now, and I just wanted you to know look to your left or right…you’ll see me rowing along with you.

  10. schmutzie March 25, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

    I just wanted to let you know that this weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday! http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2011/3/25/five-star-fridays-142nd-edition-is-brought-to-you-by-seth-go.html

  11. Bitchin' Amy March 26, 2011 at 11:39 am #

    How are you doing now that you’re almost at two weeks? I’m thinking about you every day and sending you all kinds of positive energy and love.

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