30 Days Of Truth: Day Twelve

Day 12- Something you never get compliments on.

Finally something that isn’t all dark and demented to write about! Like most, I don’t take compliments well at all. When someone blurts out something nice to me, I freeze like a deer in headlights. My brain doesn’t work. Eventually, I just mumble something incoherent and change the subject. And absolutely no eye contact. That would be just wrong! Anyway, sometimes there are things that I desperately wish someone would just occasionally compliment me on. Just every once in a while, a random nudge or smack on the ass for a job well done would be nice. What am I talking about? Simple. Things. Yes, things. Very descriptive, huh? Okay, okay. I’ll give you some examples. Read on!

1) My hairiness

Yes, I am one hairy son of a bitch. It’s like I’m the lovechild produced by a wild threesome with the Wolfman, Chewbacca, and Robin Williams. I mean, I know I was born out of love and all, but my god. I can thank the heavens that all my hair is in the right place. No back or shoulder dreads. Nothing gross like that. But sheesh. You remember that scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin? The one where they waxed Steve Carell’s character? Yeah, that’d be me.

2) My vast knowledge of pop culture and everything that surrounds it

I have a brain. Sometimes I use it for good. But most of the time I am thinking about the top music hits of 1993. Or reciting every single line from the movie Friday. Or thinking about how cool Hypercolor shirts still are and where I could go out and buy one. Or how Can’t Hardly Wait is one of the best movies ever. Or how I should have won the lead role in Varsity Blues over James Van Der Beek. Or wishing Dr. Dre would call me and we could finally produce my debut rap album. See? COMPLETELY useless mind I have. This goes on all day long. Well, until someone waves something shiny in my face.

3) My ability to white man dance like no other

The Roger Rabbit? Check. The Running Man? Check. White man’s overbite? Double check. No, scratch that. TRIPLE CHECK. Respect these skills, folks. Respect.

4) My immunity to all things tequila

I’ve never met a tequila I didn’t like. (On second thought, that does not include Tila Tequila. Y’all can keep that shit.) Hell, I even love tequila’s bastard cousin mezcal. I like the expensive ones, but will drink them as dirty as they come. Just throw a little dirt and cigarette ashes into my shot for good measure.

5) My love for shitty and truly disastrous television

Not only do I subject myself to hours and hours of television that nobody in their right mind would watch, I rather enjoy it. Shows like 90210 (yes, the new one), America’s Next Top Model, and anything with Bret Michaels boning chicks left and right. I love this shit. It’s soothing to my soul. All I have to do is watch an episode of Celebrity Rehab and I feel brand new again.

So, the next time you see me dancing shirtless with a shot of tequila in my hand all while spewing out random pop culture tidbits and watching shitty television at the same time, be sure you compliment me. For fuck’s sake, I’m dying over here!