30 Days of Truth: Day One

11 Oct

I’ve been watching this little “30 Days of Truth” thing making it around the interwebs for a few weeks now. I never really paid much attention to it until some of the people I really admire started writing about this on their own personal blogs. One by one, some of the people I idolize were sharing some pretty involved truths about themselves. As I pondered each and every question, I wondered how this may beneficial to me. Truth is, in itself, a very harsh reality sometimes. We all know that truth can hurt. We’ve had that driven into us since we were children. What a fucked up thing to teach somebody.

“Well, the truth hurts, TJ.”

Yes. I know this. But what else can truth do? Can it heal? Can it allow you to feel happiness for once? Can it allow yourself to let go and allow yourself to love? Can it weed out the bullshit and lies to show your true colors for once? Or does it, indeed, just hurt and maim? I don’t know the answers to those questions. And I am willing to bet I may never truly know. But as I sit here pounding on this keyboard, I am trying to find out. Even if this never goes beyond a bunch of blog posts, I am going to try my best to give this a go. So here, in aggregate, is part of my truth. Do with it as you please.

Day 1: Something You Hate About Yourself

Hate: [heyt] noun, often attributive

a: intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury

b: extreme dislike or antipathy

When you look up the definition of hate and try to apply if to something you feel about your own mind, body, soul, etc, you realize just how harsh you can be on yourself. Hate is learned. You learn to hate by watching others hate. I don’t know where and when in my thirty years on this planet I learned this behavior, but it’s definitely been there for some time. When does something you generally dislike about yourself get to the level of pure hatred? I always knew there were certain things about myself I didn’t like. But to stop and think about what I hated, well that’s entirely different.

Singling out the very most important thing I hate about myself is tough. Letting your mind think freely about things you find so negative is really an exercise futility. I mean, at the age of thirty, you’d think that I would have changed the things I truly “hated” about myself by now. But what if you can’t change these things? What if they have become part of your being?

And there it was. Something so very apparent, so very real and entrenched in hatred that it actually affects others around me. I lack the very basic function that most people tend to have in abundance. I cannot, for the life of me, verbalize honest emotions. Other than laughter, the people around me rarely know just how I am feeling on the inside. The people I love the most often have to guess and wonder just how much I actually love them. I have written about this many times before over the last year. Each time I promised to resolve this matter. To try my best to progress as a human being. With each attempt, I failed miserably. Within days, I would revert back to my so-called place of emotionally retarded “normalcy”. In fact, I would actually get worse in some ways. No matter how hard I tried, nothing would ever work.

So, at the age of thirty, I possess less ability to convey emotion than my four-year old son. There are days where I wish I could trade places with him. I always know what he is feeling or thinking. He wears his emotions on his sleeves, out in the open for me and the world to see. I know when he is sad. I know when he is in fear. I know when his happiness outweighs everything in his world. As a parent, you try to teach your children these certain wonderful things about life. But as I watch my own, I see them actually teaching me instead. I sit and watch his every move, stopping short of asking him just how to love, fear, and display emotion. I see my daughter’s face light up with a giggle that can cure even the darkest of days. She’s hasn’t even reached the ripe old age of one yet and she’s teaching me more than I have learned over three decades.

With my children, I can be anyone I want to be. I smother them with “I love you’s” and kisses galore. Am I overcompensating for things I haven’t done in the past? Most likely. But maybe I have proved my hatred for myself at little bit wrong. Maybe, just maybe, I have watch and learned from their abilities. Maybe I have collected enough knowledge to actually change, even if it’s just a little bit. I’d like to think so. Who knows, maybe I have found a little bit of truth that doesn’t hurt. And if that’s the case, I’ve already won half the battle.

In case you are following at home, these are the topics I will be covering:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

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7 Responses to “30 Days of Truth: Day One”

  1. Jurgen Nation October 11, 2010 at 3:35 pm #

    “You learn to hate by watching others hate.”

    And so racism, hate groups of any kind and jackassery are born, not to mention the shit we do to ourselves. That’s an incredible, powerful, honest statement you made there, sir.

    • TJ October 11, 2010 at 3:38 pm #

      You cannot hate without learning how to do it from someone else. I try so hard to ensure my kids won’t pick that trait up from me. I don’t hate others, but I don’t want them to lean how to hate themselves in any way, shape, or form.

  2. sweetney October 11, 2010 at 4:28 pm #

    Oh but you CAN. But you need to let go of the shackles of CAN’T before that’s possible. KWIM?

    You’re absolutely one of the most thoughtful men I’ve ever known. You just need to let that *breathe.* YES YOU CAN! :)

    • TJ October 11, 2010 at 4:42 pm #

      Fuck, man. I love you, Tracey. You are so fucking awesome. Thank you.

  3. jules October 11, 2010 at 4:33 pm #

    Telling others how you feel isn’t always the easiest thing to do. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. For real.

  4. andygirl October 11, 2010 at 8:35 pm #

    good for you! it’s hard to reach in and be brutally honest. and this was a tough first post.

    I’d love to do something like this but (a) I’m entirely too lazy, (b) I’m too selfish. I already give in to half of the blog hops my friends throw out there and refuse to give up any more of my spontaneous writing time. and (c) I’m already TMI central. nobody needs to hear any more.

    :D

  5. flutter October 12, 2010 at 2:16 pm #

    You absolutely can. You have this enormous heart and you are generally just a badass.

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