Just Get Up

29 Sep

I’ve been laying in this bed for 46 minutes now. My mind is wide awake, a flurry of activity as usual. The flashing red numbers and screeching sound of the alarm clock will me to move. Each flicker of red light seems to chant something annoyingly familiar.

Get. Up.

Get. Up.

Get. Up.

Another 16 minutes fly by. At this point the alarm clock has given up on me. Something in its internal circuit board has signaled a cease and desist. A built-in fail safe for people like me. Why waste sound and perfectly good electricity on someone who has clearly given up?

As I raise my head off the pillow, I brace myself for the world has in store for me. The house is silent and eerily still. The faint bark of my neighbor’s dog tries to sneak past the windowsill, but is instantly drowned by the deafening silence. By now, I’ve managed to force myself into a slumped over, but upright position. My muscles ache. My bones feel like they have been on this planet for more than 100 years. Without warning, the surrounding silence has now been replaced with the screams of my own mind. Thoughts of doubt, loathing, and pure misery dance around freely as if they were a ballerina on stage. And once they start, they rarely ever go away.

With my feet dangling over the side of the bed, I do my best to lift my head. The heaviness of my convoluted mind weighs down the rest of my body like a 1000 pound weight. My body feels like it’s made out of nothing but quicksand. My mind is nothing but jumbled mush. If I can just make it to the shower, I know everything will be okay. The scalding hot water will wash away some of this hideous mess. The tiny grains of sand will swirl down the drain and disappear. They’ll vanish and hide from me until this process starts all over again.

Today is just an average day. You see, Wednesday is a fickle bitch. Really, so is Tuesday. I am willing to bet that Thursday is no different from the rest. As my eyes focus on my weary feet, I begin to talk to myself. Each word more stern and borderline violent than the next.

“Get. Up.”

“Did you hear me?”

“Get the fuck up.”

And so I do. I trip over my failing body as I make my way to the shower. The hot water is my only reprieve. My only hope to feeling some sort of normalcy.

With one foot in front of the other, I get up.

I just get the fuck up.

Advertisements

9 Responses to “Just Get Up”

  1. sweetney September 29, 2010 at 12:16 pm #

    I used to feel that way a lot, before the split – back when I was deeply depressed. Like my body was rebelling against my own life, being in it. But, of course, you just have to get the fuck up, regardless. Life doesn’t stop just because it’s bumming us out :)

  2. Holmes September 29, 2010 at 12:19 pm #

    Some days are more impossible than others. Nicely done, my man.

  3. Dysfunction Junction September 29, 2010 at 1:06 pm #

    It’s amazing how harshly we judge ourselves. Held to nearly impossible standards that we would never even consider holding another to.

    Breathe a bit my friend.

    Let the air in and think about how you DO deserve good things. Don’t doubt for a minute that wonderful things aren’t possible for you.

    They absolutely are.

    • HO September 29, 2010 at 5:12 pm #

      Have had more of those days than I would like to admit…just remember “this to shall pass” There has already been a whole lot of good…and a whole lot more good to come. Whatever this is…is just a dip, a lull if you will.

  4. flutter September 29, 2010 at 11:02 pm #

    and after you get the fuck up, you put one foot in front of the other and you just keep fucking walking.
    Then you write. Just like this.
    Just. Like. This.

  5. andygirl September 30, 2010 at 12:57 am #

    I love it when you write posts like this! so simple yet so poignant. you’re a really great writer. :)

    and I SO know! I am not a morning person. blech. I snooze forever. and then I’m a zombie for a couple of hours.

  6. Dr. Cynicism October 10, 2010 at 12:32 pm #

    Great writing my friend! Life wouldn’t be life without days like that… worth the effort though, no? Nice blog!

    • TJ October 10, 2010 at 1:24 pm #

      Agreed! And thanks for the kind words. Much appreciated!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Tweets that mention Just Get Up « StudioEightOneSix -- Topsy.com - September 29, 2010

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by TJ Johnson, TJ Johnson. TJ Johnson said: Just Get Up: http://wp.me/pDVTH-co […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: