My Dirty Little Secret

22 Jun

I have a dark, dirty secret. You see, I have been hiding this for a little over three months now. In the past, I only did it a few times. Just once in a while out of necessity. Never for pleasure. I would show up, pay the man my money, and then drive off. I got what I needed. This was very efficient. Nobody was harmed. No rules were broken. During the last decade, I could count on my right hand just how many times I caved to the pressure. Until recently, I could keep the urge to get a fix under control. Then out of the blue, I found out that my wife had been sharing this exact  same secret. The very same thing I had kept buried deep inside for so long. I saw the look in her eyes when I discovered this about her. This was all too familiar. The desire, hurt, and embarrassment oozed from her voice as we discussed this openly for the first time. It was such a great relief that we could share this secret. Through this, we came to realize we were not alone. In fact, we had multiple friends that were much more deeply hooked than we were. They had been using heavily for years. Without boundaries. In front of friends, family, and even their own children. Instantly, we knew that our habit, our obsession, was actually more common than we thought. This brought us great pleasure. A sense of serenity filled the air around us. No matter what others would say, no matter how much they would try to break us down, we knew we were right about this.

One night in late March, we ventured out on a cold, dark Midwestern night to score jointly for the first time. Sitting side by side in the car, we could feel the tension rise. We knew what we were about to do. There was no polite way to do it either. As I pushed the ignition button on our Prius, I knew there was no turning back. We both looked at each other and knew that things would never be the same.

As we drove up, I thought to myself, “This can’t be the place.” “There are too many lights and way too many people around.”, I uttered in disbelief. I could see the panic fill my wife’s eyes almost instantaneously.  Within seconds, she started to tremble. “Do you really want to go through with this?”, I asked in a concerned tone. She couldn’t even muster the words to answer. All she could do is shake her head gingerly in agreement. “Okay then”, I replied as I opened my car door. Hand in hand, we cautiously walked towards the building. We were careful not to look any strangers straight in the eye. We didn’t want to be noticed. And by the look of things, nobody else did either.

We were greeted at the door and promptly rushed to another room. This was completely different from any other time before. In the room, sat a chair, a desk, and an older computer. Next to the computer was a phone and a scratchpad with some notes scribbled on it. A clock was neatly hung on the wall and with each tick, became deafening to the point of insanity. Above us, we could see the flickering of a set of old tungsten lights. You could hear the electricity bouncing back and forth between the  filaments. “This is taking forever!”, I yelped. “Maybe this is a mistake.”, my wife quipped.  Just then, as if they were listening, a man appeared. “Come with me.”, he whispered in an ultimately eerie tone. Without hesitation, we followed. Through a maze of hallways and back doors, we were quickly ushered into another room. I took my wife’s hand and squeezed it tightly. I could tell she was scared. Truthfully, so was I.

More waiting. More anticipation. We were almost completely fed up with the whole experience. Then she walked in. We were instructed to sit at the desk with her. She brought out a series of papers, pens, and a nicely wrapped package. This was not how I had done this in the past. What was with all this pomp and circumstance? “Initial here and here.”, she ordered. “Make sure you sign and date at the bottom of the page.”, she demanded in a robotic haste. No sooner did the date get scribbled on the page, we were ordered to step outside and await further instructions. She handed us the package and ordered us to wait in the hallway until everything was ready.

Ten more minutes had passed. Like I said before, this time was totally different from all the other times I had run out to get my fix. Suddenly, there it was. We could see it through the window for the very first time together. It was so shiny and beautiful. We were attracted to it like moths to a flame. At that moment, we knew that we had made the right decision. I opened the little package the woman in the room had handed me. Inside, was a set of keys. One set for me and one set for my wife. As we made our way into the service bay, we both let out a huge sigh of relief. In front of us, was our new minivan.


9 Responses to “My Dirty Little Secret”

  1. Jen O. June 22, 2010 at 6:43 pm #

    You. Are. NOT. A minivan dad. I refuse to believe it. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.

    • TJ June 22, 2010 at 6:53 pm #

      I know, right. I don’t even know myself. Go ahead. Say it. You are ashamed to be my friend.

  2. Jen O. June 22, 2010 at 6:56 pm #

    I’m not ashamed. It’s just another reason why I’m the cooler friend.

    • TJ June 22, 2010 at 7:06 pm #

      Ouch. Punch in the nuts. After you’re done, can I have at least one of my testicles back?

  3. Jen O. June 22, 2010 at 7:09 pm #


  4. jules June 23, 2010 at 9:14 am #

    I, wow. I’m not sure I can be friends with either of you anymore.

    *the shame*

    • TJ June 23, 2010 at 9:16 am #

      I know. How can I make it up to you? We really aren’t that lame. I mean, just 10% lame.

  5. Andygirl June 23, 2010 at 9:54 am #

    you know, until you got into the room with the computer, I was sure it was fast food. this is why I’m not Perry Mason.

    wonderfully written!

    • TJ June 23, 2010 at 9:59 am #

      Perry Mason? Awesome. I would have went with Magnum P.I.

      Thanks for the compliments. They will be going straight to my head now.

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