Can I Own A Canadian?

2 Jun

From time to time, I read things that tickle my fancy. The wife sent me this little email forward the other day. After reading it, my insides were all kinds of warm and fuzzy. I truly love the power of a verbal bitch slap. Enjoy responsibly.

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.  The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a U.S. resident, which was posted on the Internet.  It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law.  I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.  When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.  A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.  Can you clarify?  Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.  In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24.  The problem is how do I tell?  I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9.  The problem is my neighbors.  They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.  Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.  Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.  Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.  I don’t agree.  Can you settle this?  Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight.  I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.  Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.  How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm.  He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).  He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.  Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.  Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

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12 Responses to “Can I Own A Canadian?”

  1. jonolan June 2, 2010 at 11:10 am #

    Always funny, but to add to it I’ll answer the questions based upon history and the Talmud.

    1. You can own a Canadian, but you cannot own a Jew irrespective of secular nationality.

    2. Hard to answer since her age and skills weren’t mentioned. BTW: looks don’t really matter since owning a female slave did not give the owner “rights to her body” unless that was agreed upon at purchase.

    3. The burden of segregation is upon the woman. You should not need to ask.

    4. No; report them to Temple judges instead

    5. As above, report them to the Temple judges.

    6. Homosexuality is worse, being an abomination to God. Shellfish, according to Leviticus, “shall be even an abomination unto you,” not God.

    7. Plenty of wiggle room there since the prohibition originally stated blindness. Also the passage applied only to priests who were the only ones allowed near the alter anyway.

    8. They shouldn’t. No punishment is listed for violating Lev 19:27

    9. Gloves or not, you would still be fouled and need to be purified.

    10. Messy, this one. She shouldn’t be killed at all, but you DO have to go through the whole trouble of having the village stone him for blasphemy.

    • TJ June 2, 2010 at 11:23 am #

      Wow, jonolan! You sure know the Talmud. Impressive. As for #10, I agree. They really need to get the whole village together, pile up their stones, and fire away. Punishment served.

  2. Jen O. June 2, 2010 at 11:11 am #

    HILARIOUS. This is going in my favourites folder.

    And NO YOU MAY NOT OWN A CANADIAN DAMNIT WE’RE NOT FOR SALE.

    • TJ June 2, 2010 at 11:24 am #

      I was thinking about how much a Canadian would cost. Isn’t inflation a bitch way up North? I mean, I would probably get taxed to death for said transaction.

  3. Suzanne June 2, 2010 at 2:47 pm #

    You might like this website:

    http://thebeattitude.com/

    • TJ June 2, 2010 at 2:54 pm #

      Like? I love it and I have only skimmed through a few parts of it.

  4. jonolan June 2, 2010 at 6:51 pm #

    I’m OK at the Torah and Talmudic law and interpretations of the Torah’s proscriptions, but hardly a practical expert.

    My study, largely flawed I’m sure, of Aramaic makes my findings different from most Rabbinic courts.

    I also tried to couch my responses in an Christian Old Testament context so chose to ignore the specific Judaic context, such as the original proscription against rounding the sides of the hair and and such being limited to mourning rituals.

  5. jules June 7, 2010 at 1:36 pm #

    As someone who is taking “Canadian” lessons from my Canadian friend, I’m pretty sure you can’t own them because they would just volunteer to do the work. They’re all nice and shit. Oops, I cussed. See why I have to take the lessons??

    • TJ June 7, 2010 at 1:44 pm #

      Please. Cuss away. Fuck is my favorite word. Use it in a sentence. Those fucking Canadians are too nice. See? Easy.

  6. Jen O. June 7, 2010 at 1:45 pm #

    Jules, we cuss ALL THE TIME. The difference is, and I think I’ve mentioned this to you before, is that we follow it up with “no offense”. And then the other person says “none taken”.

  7. Dan Thoams June 15, 2010 at 8:53 am #

    Wow. I quite enjoyed this sarcastic bitch-slap and feel I must share with others, as well. Thanks, Tj, for bringing these little known factoids to my attention. I knew the Bible would be good for something in my life besides saving my soul or expanding my old timey English vocabulary.

    • TJ June 15, 2010 at 12:00 pm #

      Glad to hear from you, Dan! What rock did you crawl out from under? I haven’t heard from you in ages, my friend. Thanks for the pimp out on your page today. It was much appreciated.

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