This Explains A Lot

1 Jun

Do you remember when that “25 things about me” questionnaire went circulating around the facebook interweb? Well, like most asinine things in life, I got suckered into actually filling the damn thing out. Since I have more than just two people who take time out of their day to read my scribblings, I thought I would share a little about myself. Don’t worry, there will be nothing profound or life changing. Just the inner workings of my tiny squirrel brain.  So sit back, relax, and prepare yourself for just how fucked up I am. Enjoy.

25 Lame Ass Things You Didn’t Want to Know About Me (Originally Written January 30, 2009)

1) I have an intense hatred for clowns or anything clown related. It’s not so much a fear of clowns, but just a pure hatred for their whole lifestyle. They dress up everyday just to hide themselves from the reality that their lives completely suck. I mean, how many serial killers used to be clowns? John Wayne Gacy and Pennywise from the movie IT come to mind. (I just threw up in my mouth writing this.)

2) I absolutely hate vegetables. I hate them so much, I have actually come up with a whole theory that vegetables are racist (the onion being the supreme leader) and therefor, I can’t put anything racist in my body. Stay away from these horrible things.

3) Despite my highly technical job, I really want to do something creative with my life. Maybe something like interpretive dance.

4) I am an extremely loyal employee, friend, and husband. So much so, I tend to put up with a lot of shit that most people consider deal breakers.

5) My 7th birthday party was canceled due to the fact that my house burnt to the ground on they very day I was supposed to have my awesome He-Man themed party. Maybe it was a sign that I should have went with the Ninja Turtles instead.

6) I have mad skills on both the microphone and the dance floor. Hip-Hop? Done. Roger Rabbit? Nailed it. You name the place and we will be poppin’ and lockin’ all night long.

7) The only movie I have ever cried in was Forrest Gump. The whole scene where he is talking to Jenny’s grave is a fucking killer. That whole scene gets your estrogen flowing like a premenstrual 14-year-old girl. You do not have a heart if your eyes do not well up with tears during this part of the movie.

8) Roadhouse is one of my favorite movies of all time. The one and only Patrick Swayze sent to a small town in Missouri to clean up the town bar and with all the plot twists he ends up killing a man with his bare fucking hands. You can’t write a better script. “Pain don’t hurt much” is the best movie quote of all time. Patrick, I salute you.

9) My wife is my best friend in the whole world. I really would be lost without her. She is my rock and my driving force. After almost 9 years of marriage, this rings true more and more every single day.

10) I believe that 99% of the people who you meet in life are actually pretty worthless. That may sound really pessimistic, but think about that small 1% percent that you keep close to you at all times. These are the people who really matter. These are the people who you should pay the most attention to and cherish every single minute you have them in your life.

11) Growing up in the Northland, I spent most of my childhood summers at Worlds of Fun (an amusement park for you out of towners). It was a built-in babysitter for Mom. I can still smell the nasty waters of the Fury of the Nile and the intoxicating scent of $14 funnel cakes like it was yesterday.

12) I was raised by my little sister and my single Mom. We were a dynamic team. I know that sounds a little bit backwards and strange, but the truth is, I learned most of the important things in life watching the two of them. I think that is where my loyalty came from.

13) I have huge issues with organized religion as a whole. Now, this does not mean I don’t respect you and your religion, but please don’t try to push it on me. I am perfectly happy being Jewish by day and Atheist by night. No need to fuck that up for me.

14) As you can tell, I love the word FUCK. It is a great fucking word with unlimited fucking potential.

15) My life is one enormous soundtrack. I wake up every morning with a new song in my head and fall asleep with another. I catalog all my life events according to song. Give me a lyric, artist, or album and I can pretty much tell you where and what I was doing at that particular time.

16) I met my wife on the phone (we talked over the phone for our jobs you pervs!) and our first date was a blind date. How is that for a geeky love story?

17) My most brilliant ideas always come to me right before I fall asleep at night. I am pretty sure I came up with the cure for cancer last night, but I totally forgot about it by the time I woke up this morning.

18) In the span of 6 months, I witnessed Neil Diamond, Def Leppard, and Hall & Oates all fucking rock it in concert. Beat that fucking trifecta!

19) Concert Honorable Mention: En Vogue, Vanilla Ice, and MC Hammer. Yes folks, this was one single concert I attended in 1990. I still have goosebumps.

20) I am the only heterosexual male on this planet that knows the whole Patsy Cline song catalog. Thanks Mom!

21) Until I met my wife, I never ate sushi or any other seafood for that matter. Now I love sushi so much, I want to take it back to middle school and get it pregnant.

22) My three main alcoholic poisons are as follows…Champagne, Beer, and Tequila. I will drink those three anytime and anywhere.

23) I once started a night partying in Liberty, Missouri and promptly woke up half-naked on a linoleum kitchen floor in Ames, Iowa. (Refer to number 22 for the reason this happened to me.)

24) I am a pop culture whore. I waste countless hours on perezhilton.com, dlisted.com, and any other trashy gossip sites.

25) As a child, I had Sensory Integration Disorder and still am afflicted to this day. If you are not familiar with this strange disorder, Google it and get back to me. Basically, I am strange and unusual. When I was a kid, the disorder was called “Fucking Dipshit”, but now they actually have a clinical name for it! Yay for me!

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9 Responses to “This Explains A Lot”

  1. Jen O. June 1, 2010 at 6:21 pm #

    #10 is my favourite. I have so few people in my life, but that is because I commit all of my energy to nourishing the relationships that are most important to me. If that means I only have a few friends, than so be it. Those few friends have been selected from many and are the elite.

    Also: #14 – Fuck is my favourite word. If I don’t catch myself, I swear even worse than a truck driver.

    • TJ June 1, 2010 at 6:29 pm #

      Fuck is such a beautiful word. It can be used in so many different ways. I am not really sure of the word’s origin, but I would like to go back in time and get that person pregnant. Either that or some serious heavy petting. Just saying.

  2. Jen O. June 1, 2010 at 6:53 pm #

    Because I have nothing better to do:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fuck

    Looks like you have a lot of making out to do…

  3. Suzanne June 1, 2010 at 7:53 pm #

    I love #1. In agreement with what you are saying with #10 and #13. And who wouldn’t fucking love #14.

    • TJ June 1, 2010 at 8:08 pm #

      In regards to #13, are you saying you are a fellow freethinker??

      • Suzanne June 1, 2010 at 8:24 pm #

        Yes! Just not the Jewish part :)

      • TJ June 1, 2010 at 8:40 pm #

        The Jewish part is strictly for traditional purposes only. It is more about heritage for my children than it is about a religion. Does that make sense?

  4. Suzanne June 2, 2010 at 2:43 pm #

    It makes sense, they should definitely know their heritage.

  5. Tiff June 3, 2010 at 9:26 am #

    You know there’s no ICD-10 code for #25, right? hahaha

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