Teach Your Children Well

13 May

As every good father should do, I try from time to time to hand down a hand-basket full of useful information and worldly knowledge to my children. You know, important things like, always wipe from front to back, Van Gogh’s raging syphilis infection, and the importance of Burt Reynolds’ mustache to the stability of the United States. Until my beautiful baby girl was born, all I had to do was teach my son the ways of the alpha male. Apparently, I have to make this education equal now because girls can actually learn to read and write. I know, I was blown away by that little known fact too. I mean, what’s next? Females can run out and vote? I just don’t buy it. To be as fair and balanced as Fox News, I have come up with a few educational courses for my two kiddos. Enrollment is limited and tuition is costly, but these important life lessons will surely help them on their way to adulthood.

The Boy”s class schedule this semester will be as followed:

Strippers 102: Some are actually working their way through medical school. How to tip accordingly.

Strippers 201: Glitter and the American Male. How it can ruin everything.

Bodily Functions 101: Farting is always funny. A discussion group.

The Girl’s class schedule this semester will be as followed:

Burkas 102: Just a fad? The growing acceptance of burka by the American Female. Also, how not to show your legs, you slut.

Sexual Psychology 201: Celibacy until age 35. Guest speaker on living comfortably with a chastity belt. Also included: How living with your parents is totally acceptable.

Home Economics: How to bake pies.

If you ask me, I couldn’t be more fair if I tried. Simple life lessons for each of my lovely children. I mean, so what if I used 1940 as a basis on how to educate my daughter. It’s for her own protection, right?

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9 Responses to “Teach Your Children Well”

  1. Suzanne May 13, 2010 at 12:08 pm #

    Haha! And now (gasp!) men can be at home and the women can bring in the money.

    Your children are going to have you wrapped around their finger, I just know it!

    btw, it is good to see you posting again.

    • studioeightonesix May 13, 2010 at 12:18 pm #

      Oh, make no mistake, they already have me wrapped around their little fingers. I am such a sucker.

      Thanks! It feels good to be back. Be on the lookout for more posts here in the next couple of weeks. I have a bunch of things floating around my skull.

  2. Jen O. May 13, 2010 at 12:25 pm #

    Whoa, whoa, whoa. Girls need to know that farts are funny, too.

    I’m actually curious to know what a fart would sound like through a chastity belt. Chastity belts cover both holes, right? Because seriously. THINK ABOUT IT.

    hahahaha…made you think about it…hahahaha

  3. studioeightonesix May 13, 2010 at 12:28 pm #

    Touche, Jen O. From this point on, that class shall be coed. I stand corrected. And yes, I did think about farting in a chastity belt. Foul? Yes. Funny? You fucking bet!

    • Suzanne May 13, 2010 at 1:04 pm #

      Such cruelty! But I will admit I laughed.

  4. Jen O. May 13, 2010 at 12:34 pm #

    I wonder if it would echo…

    • studioeightonesix May 13, 2010 at 12:35 pm #

      Or is like a tree falling in the forrest? If nobody is around to hear it, would it even make a sound?

    • Jen O. May 13, 2010 at 12:37 pm #

      Oh, it’ll make a sound. It’ll make a fucking loud sound. And if your daughter is worth her salt, she’ll video tape it and put it up on YouTube.

  5. studioeightonesix May 13, 2010 at 12:39 pm #

    I would assume she already knows how to use a video camera. She is six months old for crying out loud. Kids these days. Just purely lazy.

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