Studies in Crap: The Hospital Bed Edition

30 Mar

As some of you already know, I spent most of last week chilling in a hospital bed. Contrary to popular belief, I was not in sex rehab with Tiger Woods, nor was I in drug rehab with a knife wielding Charlie Sheen or his lovely cocaine addicted wife. Being sick and held hostage by the medical community isn’t exactly what I call a great vacation. There are, however, some pretty kick ass perks associated with a $7,000.00 a night stay in a semi-private hospital room. First and foremost, there are the spectacular intravenous drugs. Yes, I said it. Say all you want, but when a nurse awakens you at 2:00am and whispers to you, “Would you like some morphine?”, I dare you to ever utter the phrase, “Drugs are bad!”. When I started this little rambling article, I was sure I had a whole list of awesome things I could tell you about being hospitalized. The truth? Well, that would be a fucking lie. The only other thing I can come up with? Basic cable television. Yes folks, the only good things about being constantly probed, stuck with needles, and awakened every two hours are drugs and mindless cable television. So, how does this differ from most of my typical Tuesday nights? Well, let’s try not to get into specifics here. Anyhoo, during the 96 consecutive hours of mind numbing (almost more than the drugs alone) cable programming, I have come up with some very lame and very possibly startling conclusions. So please, put on your personal protective equipment and frolic with me to a land that I never care to revisit.

1) No matter how many drugs are pumped into your body, Paula Poundstone is not funny. Please, please quit airing her stand-up routines every hour on the hour. You are fucking up my morphine high.

2) Tampon commercials make me feel even less like a woman than I already should feel. Yes, you read that right. I am a manly man. I have facial hair, drink beer, and love watching grown men fight. But, when a tampon commercial comes on during a UFC Fight Night re-run, I actually feel sorry for the women it was created for. And Ladies, these ridonkulous excuses for feminine hygiene propaganda should make you want to fly to Thailand to receive sex reassignment surgery as soon as possible. I’m just saying.

3) Why do all vacuum and/or cleaning commercials feature nothing but women? Talk about some sexist shit. Hey, just a FYI to marketers and commercial producers…I was the one who bought the $600.00 Dyson vacuum cleaner. Not my wife. Why? Simple. I kick ass at vacuuming. I leave these awesome little lines that mimic the freshly mowed outfield at Wrigley Field on opening day.  And what if I want to buy that fucking Swifter thingy that has the vacuum attached? Do I have to ask the lady of the house first?

4) While I am on the subject of commercial rants, I have a real bone to pick with the “Just For Men” hair coloring folks. Your commercials make me want to slap a sleeping baby. There, I said it. I mean, are you fucking kidding me with these blatant attacks on the male psyche? So, let me get this straight. Now that I am old and graying, all I have to do to dust my face and cranium with your magical hair dye and I will instantly get that job promotion and score with hot, younger females? Well, sign me up! I should have started using this crap as soon as I hit puberty. Maybe then, my high school dating career would have been so much more of an adventure!

5) Daytime television summed up in one neato frito word: Cockmeatsandwich. Okay, I realize that is actually three words stuffed together, but it has a nice ring to it, right?

6) Sorry. I had something really important to tell you here, but the nurse came in and hooked me up phat on the morphine drip.

7) I really, really need to start writing for daytime soap operas. I came up with an entire script for a new soap pilot in only four short days. Unfortunately, I don’t think anyone speaks half Klingon, half chimpanzee. Why do all my good ideas come in made up languages?

8) If it weren’t for you, Maury Povich, I wouldn’t have had a reason to open my eyes. Side note: I also wouldn’t know that I am, in fact, the father of Neesha’s baby.

9) No matter how much they try to trick you, no matter how much they lie, those bastards from radiology are just plain evil and wrong. That barium contrast does not take like lemonade! You know what it takes like? Satan’s urine with a splash of Crystal Light.

10) Last, but not least, you will always find out who your true friends and family are when you have to spend time in the hospital. Each and everyone of you know exactly what I am talking about.


7 Responses to “Studies in Crap: The Hospital Bed Edition”

  1. Scott March 30, 2010 at 1:45 pm #

    #9, surprised SLS didnt make you do the smoothie… Like semi-berry flavored elmers glue with a hint of shit. I love when they hand me two of them and say “ok you have 20 minutes, and make sure you keep it down, or you will have to start over.” I once asked if they had ever tried it and with a disgusted face they said no… I knew I was in for a treat.

    I have found Olathe isn’t that bad at it. They just mix it in the non-alcoholic drink of your choice. However, vomitting up orange gatorade and barium while they put in an NG tube is something you should pass on.

    By far the worst is St. Lukes plaza. No flavor. Just wite thick crap and lots of it. During a follow through I had to drink like 5 – 20 oz cups in a row.

    • studioeightonesix March 30, 2010 at 1:52 pm #

      Ohhh…I have have the berry Elmer’s Glue version at SLS. That is what I was expecting when they walked in. No, no…They surprised me with a half gallon of water, barium, and crystal light. Did I mention I was already totally nauseous in the first place??

  2. Dan Thomas March 30, 2010 at 2:42 pm #

    I kick ass at vacuuming, too! The effects of being raised by a stay-at-home mom, I guess.

    • studioeightonesix March 30, 2010 at 2:52 pm #

      Mine was the product of a single mom. Vacuuming is the shit. Man, I need a life.

  3. Paige March 30, 2010 at 5:40 pm #

    I thought Neesha was giving me the stinkeye- you bastard!!! -Insert dramatic soap opera slap here-

  4. Suzanne March 31, 2010 at 3:04 pm #

    Lethal combination: great hair AND Axe body spray. Women will violate you in public.

    • studioeightonesix March 31, 2010 at 3:10 pm #

      Haha! Yes, yes…That commercial preys each and every teenage male that may have some serious self esteem issues. Use these two products and you will instantly attract so many fine, gorgeous ladies that you will have to actually run away from them or fight them off. Barf. Pathetic! :)

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