America’s Next Top Model Recap: The Hetero Male Edition

18 Mar

This may come as a real shocker, but I absolutely love trashy, mind numbing television. Over my entire lifetime, I have probably spent well over a third of my years either sitting on the toilet or parked on my pasty rear watching shows that continually drop my I.Q. ten points with every viewing. As I nestled into my couch cushion last night, I had an epiphany. (Well, epiphany might be kind of a strong word. That would imply that I actually have some sort of intelligence. For arguments sake, let’s just call it a random idea.) Flipping through the channels, I came to the conclusion that the world of reviews and recaps are lacking in one major category: The Male Perspective of Girly TV Shows. Now, I realize that I am most likely part of the minority here. I know there isn’t whole hell of a lot of men out there who watch these so-called girly programs. I, for one, do and I am willing to bet there are at least twelve other hetero guys out there that actually enjoy these shows as much as I do. I mean, what’s not to love? You get everything you need and could ever ask for from these smutty displays of American culture. Rolled into an hour or so, you get a voyeuristic glimpse of sex, girl fights, bitchiness, bar fights, cattiness, alcohol, and all around daddy issues. All you are missing is an occasional monster truck and some soft core porn. Case in point? America’s Next Top Model. So sit back, relax, and let me take you on a journey of what makes up Joel McHale’s nightmares.

ANTM Cycle 14, Episode 2

You knew it was going to happen, you just didn’t know when. Last night’s episode opened with the fabulous Mr. Jay Emanuel informing the current rat pack of  “models” the details concerning their very first Glamour Shot session. As we all know, When Mr. Jay speaks, you listen. Resisting the urge to throw up two snaps in Z formation, Mr. Jay tells the bunch that the during the shoot, they will be completely nude. There is one exception though. They can pick one item to cover up their lady bits with. After a very dramatic countdown, all of the models raced to a scarcely dressed mannequin equipped with basically nothing but accessories. Like vultures devouring their prey, the mannequin was instantly plucked of all its attire. The shoot itself was pretty tame by ANTM standards. No crying, passing out, or drive by shootings. Just a lame set up and some passive aggressive “coaching” from Mr. Jay.

The real meat of the episode came after the requisite and expert catwalk training by the one and only Mrs. Jay. Training people to walk? Absolutely awesome. Specially, when it’s done by a six-foot, five-inch homosexual black man wearing high heels. One by one, each of the contestants were instructed to work the runway while taking of a garment of clothing. Normally, watching women taking their clothes off would be kind of hot. This, however, was in no way hot. Comical, maybe. Hot? No way. Like babies learning to put one foot in front of the other, each wobbled and strutted their lanky asses down the strip of runway. Not to worry, Mrs. Jay was there with his/her witty critique and offered his expert analysis of how each girl could improve said walk. I don’t know about you, but this is extremely comforting to me. When I walk down the hallway of my office building, I often hope and pray Mrs. Jay will be waiting for me at the end. What? We all need encouragement from time to time. Don’t judge me.

So, now all the girl have been taught to walk. What should they do now? Wait! I know. It’s fashion show time. Yes, that’s right. The girls had to walk in newly created threads from none other than Rachel Roy. When Mrs. Roy was first introduced, I must have been half asleep because I was damn sure they announced Rachael Ray instead. I quickly opened my heavy eyes to immediately started to wonder how in the hell Rachael Ray had time to start a clothing line with all that EVOO around. In true ANTM fashion, this would be no ordinary trot down the cat walk. No, no. That would be way too easy. Oh, Mrs. Tyra and Mrs. Jay had something special planned. They would start the contestants off at the top of some stairs. Now, wait just one minute. Stairs? These girls were never taught how to walk down stairs! Immediately, I was concerned for their safety. If the fear of walking down stairs wasn’t enough, once they made it to the actual runway itself, they were to be greeted by not one, but two swinging pendulums. Yes. You read that right. Swinging pendulums. It was as if they were stuck in a giant grandfather clock. Instantly, the plot thickens! As Mrs. Jay would aptly explain to the girls, “It’s all about timing!”. Without much hesitation, each girl quickly scampered down the steps and onto the runway. A few were struck by the swinging pendulums of death, but most of the them survived pretty much unscathed. Well, all but one. The token “big” girl, Alexandra, fell not once, but twice.  I knew the lack of instruction on how to navigate stairs would end up being detrimental  to someone! Poor Alexandra made it down approximately two whole steps before her ass hit the ground. I give her credit though. She bounced up, snarled, and hoofed it straight to the runway. She managed to make it all the way to the end of the runway just fine. The return? Not so much. One of the pendulums smacked her in the back and she came tumbling off the runway. Imagine my excitement level as I witnessed this. You can’t write shit like that! Pure entertainment.

The final Glamour Shot session was just as boring as the last. Not much drama. Boring critiques. Blah, blah, blah. Fast forward to the elimination ceremony! The bottom two girls were an interesting mix. One was a homely, transvestite impersonator with a super curled afro. The second was a bald-headed chick with an accent that sounded like part French, part Down’s Syndrome. So, who would they keep? Do I even need to ask? Of course, they kept the tranny! Why? Who knows. Maybe, just maybe she/he will produce some super fierce photos next week.


One Response to “America’s Next Top Model Recap: The Hetero Male Edition”

  1. Katie M. September 15, 2011 at 4:30 am #

    epiphany might be kind of a strong word
    uhh ??? lol
    do you know piano briefs ? :D

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